


Stupid

by oddbottleofink



Category: Merlin (TV), Merlin - Fandom
Genre: Angst, I should be doing homework, M/M, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 08:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10658349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddbottleofink/pseuds/oddbottleofink
Summary: Merlin isn't sure when he gave up





	Stupid

Merlin isn’t sure when he gave up. Was it after the discovery of the U.S? The French Revolution or World War II? He lost track, because being immortal was the worse form of punishment. Merlin didn’t care if he would have to re-live Arthur’s death a million times, it would be better than never seeing him again; only in the occasional nightmare or dream.

At least, for just a few minutes, Merlin could feel the warmth of Arthur’s body. Even if said warmth would quickly fade. It’s better than never feeling it again. There would be a few cons to this however. The second those few _treasured_ seconds of warmth dispels, it would be replaced with a statue-like coldness. How Merlin hates it. Arthur’s body had become cold, heavy. The worse part? The eyes. Merlin lost count of how many times he spotted Arthur staring at him with an odd look of _longing_. Or the red tint it contained after Arthur cried once Uther died. The happiness it held with every victorious battle won. It showed that Arthur wasn’t an emotionless soldier that his father wanted, instead an emotional boy who would grow up to be a great King. Once death took hold of Arthur’s body, those ridiculously blue eyes were covered in a white film, dimming the light they once possessed.

Oh, how Merlin yearns to see Arthur again, dead or alive. It wasn’t like Merlin hadn’t tried to die before. Merlin has tried near everything. Each time Merlin woke up.

_Every time his head started pounding more and more_

_Every time his eyes became a bit more glossy_

_Every time his chest became more tight._

_Every time it became a bit harder to breathe_

_Every time he swore he could see Arthur just come a bit closer_

The thing was Merlin stopped trying. He stopped trying to fit in. To make sure no one got suspicious. Or trying to maintain a relationship with anyone. Merlin tried to, sometimes he would make friends with an occasional person but it all ended the same. It ended up with Merlin watching as his friend get buried 6 feet underground. It was worse during the 18th century, when safety coffins were officially introduced because Merlin would sit and stay at the coffins, hoping and praying that steam would appear on the glass or that the bell would ring; it never did.

There was another reason why he couldn’t get attached to anyone. It felt almost like cheating. He and Arthur weren’t in a relationship, despite how much Merlin wanted to be in one. Every person who even came close to replacing Arthur always had something wrong with them. Eyes not the same shade of blue, hair too long or short, voice to deep or high; hands to gentle or rough.

Merlin can’t be in denial anymore. He hadn’t given up. He still had a sliver, a sliver of hope that Arthur would come back. That Arthur would fall in love with him and they would have a house in the suburbs and raise a child together. That small piece of hope was enough to keep him going. To keep Merlin passing the lake every day to see if there was a slight ripple. To go to sleep every night even if the nightmares would haunt him once again. It was an idiotic idealistic, even if Arthur came back to life, Merlin highly doubted he would even love Merlin but sometimes those nightmares became dreams. The dreams sometimes developed into something more…inappropriate but each time Merlin would wake up with a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest.

Regardless, that hope was stupid. It’s been over 700 years since Arthur’s death. No sign of him coming back. Merlin needed to stop believing that Arthur would come back and sweep Merlin up in his arms, kissing him senseless. It won’t happen. Merlin will just have to deal with all the guilt, never knowing if Arthur returned the feelings he had. It was just so stupid

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this idea a few months ago and I decided to finally write it, instead of doing homework!


End file.
